Champagne, or Juice?

Clearly, Barry Bonds is creaming the ball. With two more homers last night, it's only a matter of time till he surpasses Hank Aaron's Major League career record of 755 homeruns. But what kind of celebration, if any, should ensue? After all, there seems to be some question about how the once-willowy Bonds bio-engineered the freakishly formidable physique responsible for propelling the last 300 or 400 longballs out of the yard.

In case you're curious how to tell if your favorite surly slugger should rightfully arouse suspicion, Stranded on Third is pleased to present the following list.

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR HOMERUN KING MIGHT POSSIBLY HAVE TAKEN SOME TYPE OF ILLEGAL PERFORMANCE ENHANCER

10. Nine of his teammates are on disabled list with “high-five-related” injuries.

9. His new batting helmet was designed by the same guy who did the Rotunda.

8. No longer takes Louisville Slugger to the plate—uses entire city of Louisville.

7. Bud Selig says he can’t make it to any of his games, as he’s on a fishing trip with Alberto Gonzales. And Pete Rose.

6. When he passed 714 homers, not only did Babe Ruth roll in his grave, but so did the hooker next to him.

5. After he bought a box of Girl Scout cookies, the feds immediately subpoenaed the Troop Leader.

4. He was hit by a pitch recently-- and it ricocheted over the centerfield fence.

3. Trying to sign autographs for fans, disintegrated an entire box of Sharpies between his fingertips.

2. Innocently spitting tobacco juice in outfield, accidentally killed a covey of quail.

And the number one sign your homerun king might possibly have taken some type of illegal performance enhancers….

He bats fourth, but pleads the fifth.