New York, NY - The New York Yankees have responded to slugger Alex Rodriguez's admission that he took steroids and other illicit substances in 2003 by suing the team captain, All-Star shortstop Derek Jeter.
"We're deeply disappointed in Derek's actions," said Senior Vice President of the team, Hank Steinbrenner. "We haven't won the Series since 2000, and our supposed 'leader' has just been sitting on his ass, and NOT jabbing needles into it."
Although most legal experts think the suit is groundless, the Yankees are seeking $94.5 million, or half the value of the 10-year, $189 million contract Jeter signed with the team in 2001. "If he half-assed it for us, we should half-pay him," argued Steinbrenner.
The mercurial son of long-time Yankees owner George Steinbrenner ticked off a list of players that he called "Perjurer's Row-- guys like A-Roid, Roger Clemens, Jason Giambi, Jose Canseco and Luis Sojo, who were more than willing to sacrifice their sanity, their scrotum circumference and their dignity for the Pride of the Yankees."
Jeter and his representatives did not return phone calls seeking comment. Sojo, a 5'10" utility infielder who has never been accused or named in the Mitchell Report, weighed 174 pounds during his career and hit just 36 home runs in over 2,500 major league at-bats.
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